catholic jokes

Seriously tee'd off, and tired of hearing people making non-stop cruel jokes about Catholics, and priests, but heaven forbid you make a comment about gays or lesbians!

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2007-04-27 20:56:15 by marriedw/children

Catholic Jokes

I need some catholic jokes please.

I was brought up in a catholic family, we can laugh at ourselves you know so lets not have any PC comments plse.

...and if you can relate it to a catholic vegan you can have a gazillion points

ta.

The girls were lined up in the convent school to discuss their futures. Mother superior asked each in turn what they expected to do after leaving. One said she was going to be a prostitute. Mother superior passed out on hearing this. After reviving her with (holy?) water, she asked the girl once more. On hearing her correctly this time, she said, 'Oh dear God, and I thought she said she was going to be a protestant'.

2007-07-09 04:37:37 by Michael H

Price: $10.95 $7.88

A man ran into a catholic church looking rather flustered. The preist was absent so he asked a choir boy if he could take confession. The boy reluctantly obliged. The man asked what does the father usually give someone who steals. The boy responded "10 hail mairies". The man said ten hail maries and went to his next question.
What about for adultary. The boy responded "Usually about fifty hailmaries".
"Ok" said the man"my last question", What does the preist usually give you for anal sex. The choirboy replies "a mars bar."
He is annoying and intolerant. But he's also amusing. Remember free speach google.
i would have put this in jokes and riddles, i thought i would get more christian jokes if i put it in this category. Maybe offend a few more people too.

A student in a classroom is chosen by the teacher for an illustration on her
lesson.

"Timmy, look outside, do you see the grass?"
Timmy replies, "Yes, I see the grass."
"Ok, look up, do you see the sky outside?"
Timmy replies, "Yes, I see the sky."
"Ok, do you see God?"
Timmy replies, "No, I don't see God."
"Ok, so that would mean God doesn't exist."

Another student raises his hand and asks to try an illustraion of his own.
The teacher agrees.

"Timmy, do you see the grass outside?"
Timmy replies, "Yes, I see the grass."
"Ok, do you see the sky outside?"
Timmy replies, "Yes, I see the sky."
"Ok, do you see the teacher's head?"
Timmy replies, "Yes, I see the teacher's head."
"Ok, do you see the teacher's brain?"
Timmy replies, "No, I don't see the teacher's brain."
"Ok, based on what you were just tought, the teacher doesn't have a brain!"

Moral-
Moral of this story is,just because you cant see some thing doesnt mean it
doesnt exist,just means you cant always see it,like air,or God,or your
brains or hearts.
There were four country churches in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the
Roman Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about
the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
God's Divine will.

In the Methodist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
baptistery Bowl. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the
baptistery bowl and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow
and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Baptist group got together and decided that they were not in a position
to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels! and
set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels
were back.

But the Roman Catholic churchcame up with the best and most effective
solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a
>fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in
>some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was
>so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some
>doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race
>just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
>
>The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS
>
>The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and
>this time it won.
>
>The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
>
>The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
>priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
>
>The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS
>
>This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of
>the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
>
>The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
>
>The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the
>donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local
>farmer for $10.
>
>The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
>
>They buried the bishop the next day.
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that
evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge
toward him.He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his
shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster
yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in
his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the
ground.

As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching
for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The
atheist cried..."GOD DAMN!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest
was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon
the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS
THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW,
YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A
CHRISTIAN?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "Why don't you try and
make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The
sounds of the forest resumed. ... and the bear dropped down to his knees,
brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for
this food which I am about to receive."

2006-06-18 21:27:15 by aussiechic

Price: $10.95

ok plzz catholic ppl dont get mad but would anyone tell me sdites that make fun of catholic ppl im sorry i just dont rele like the religion and i think its hilariousx when ppl knock it

joke 1:

God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warm there this time of year." God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty."

"What about Pluto?" suggests another. "No way!" God mutters. "I went there 10,000 years ago. Fucking freezing it was too."

"What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again."

"I've got it," says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it."

joke 2:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!

The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

joke 3:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. after mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. the monsignor replied, "when I'm worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. he proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late j.c.

7) The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and spook

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass

10) We do not refer to the cross as the big T

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say "Eat me"

12) The virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry"

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy

2008-07-22 01:18:06 by Shelly D

Someone asked about all the Catholic Poop jokes he's hearing around the internet.
I haven't heard a single one.
As a Catholic.. I'm offended I wasn't included in the joke telling.
Someone said it was because of the Animated Show "The Family Guy"

Can anyone enlighten me about these poop jokes?
Here's my best religious joke.
3 guys all die in a fishing accident and get to heaven.
St. Peter tells them that everyone gets a vehicle to ride around Heaven, because heaven is so large.
1 question is a good indicator of what type of vehicle you get.
So St. Peter asks them each.."How many times did you cheat on your wife.
1st guy: 3 times - St. Peter gives him a Compact car.
2nd Guy: Once, but I told her and she forgave me - St. peter gives him a Cadilac.
3rd guy: Never, not once, - St. Peter gives him a Porsche.

Later the 2 men see the guy in the Porsche crying on the side of the road. "Why?" they ask.. you have the best car.
"YES", the 3rd man said, "but I just saw my wife here in heaven. "
"That's GREAT!" the other 2 said, "so why are you crying?"

To which the 3rd man replied.. "She was riding a skateboard!"

Hey! That's the abridged version of the joke I told YOU!


Oh well. Plagiarism is the highest form of flattery! :-p

You tell it much better than I do anyway. I'm too often long winded.


Here's one told to me by a Protestant. I've obviously switched the joke up a bit:

A little boy taking a box of newborn puppies to the local park to sell them to passer-bys. On his way to the park, he crosses a local Evangelical Church outside of which the pastor was taking a quick break. The pastor approaches the boy and says "My what mighty fine puppies you have. What kind of puppies are they?" To which the boy responds "They're Protestant puppies!" The pastor chuckled, patted the boy on the head and sent him on his way.

A couple days later, the local Catholic priest and that same Evangelical pastor were having lunch outside of a small restaurant. The same boy with the same box of puppies starts to walk past the two when the pastor says to the priest: "Oh you've got to see this kid and his puppies. So adorable."

The priest says "My what gorgeous little puppies you have, what kind are they?" To which the boy says "they're Catholic puppies!".

Taken aback, the Evangelical pastor says "But wait a minute, a few days ago you told me they were Protestant puppies."

"Yeah" said the kid, "but that was when their eyes were still closed."


-----------------

An elderly couple frequently attended church at a very lively, Evangelical fellowship (mostly at the behest of the wife). The husband was never into it, and often fell asleep during the sermon. The wife, entirely embarrassed, spoke with the pastor one day after the service in hopes of a remedy.

"Pastor Johnson, you give wonderful, lively sermons which are so edifying, but unfortunately my good-for-nothing husband keeps falling asleep. Do you have any suggestions for me in keeping him awake to hear the good news!?"

"Why yes!" said the pastor. "Take this hat pin, and whenever I give you *this* hand signal, give him a slight jab to the leg. It will wake him right up!"

So next Sunday, the wife gives the little device a try. At one point in the pastor's sermon, he asked the congregation rhetorically "Who created the entire universe and all that is inside of it in six literal days-uh!?" at which point he noticed the husband dozing off, so he gave the Mrs. the indicated signal. She quickly jabbed him with the hat pin at which point he jumped up and screamed "Oh my God!".

"That's right brother! Our good and gracious God created this all!"

10 minutes later, the husband again began to fall asleep. The pastor asked the congregation "And, who suffered on Calvary's hill that great and sorrowful day for all of our sins that we might be saved!?" again, at which point he give the woman the secret hand signal.

"Jesus Christ!" exclaims the man at his pain.

"Right again brother!" lauds the pastor.

As the sermon progressed, the pastor became more and more enthused and more and more flamboyant (not realizing that he'd began subconsciously giving the lady the signal).

At one unsuspecting point the pastor asks the congregation "And what did Eve say to Adam after they had their last child!?" The pastor accidentally gave the gesture; the lady jabbed her husband in the leg, and the husband jumps up screaming: "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time I'm going to break it in half and shove it up your ***."

To which the congregation exclaimed "Amen!"

2009-09-30 08:30:15 by John S